I often dream about you
Reimagined pictures of us
Where it all turns out fine
And what we held
Didn’t become hate
I can almost feel
The texture of your hands
Upon mine
Growing old throughout the years
How we would’ve proven
The world wrong about our love
But oh
This bitter reality
How it always renders my passion wrong
And proves itself right again and again
I still snatch a moment or two
Away from its potent grip
In memory of us
In memory of you
My heart is yours
It has no use without you around anymore
Please take it
These eyes are for you
As I do not wish to see anything but thee
Nothing else matters
I am just a void now
Empty
Shallow breaths barely filling my lungs
Air has no use
And only prolongs my being
I sleep awaiting forever
Only to open eyes
To brighter sunlight
I do not seek to darken the sky
For it still illuminates your world
Wherever that may be
Be it the next town
Or a million miles from me
Take my sense of touch away
I have no purpose but to remember
That feel of your skin
I am comforted with this knowledge
Sacrifice what’s left of me
To dirt or ash
Coffin or urn
Washed away in waters deep
Or flames to burn
Let them preserve a locket
For you to carry
Or throw away
There is nothing
Since you
I’ve never fit in
My spot never chosen
Not Spanish enough to move my hips easily
Nor American enough to step on others to rise
Too militant
Yet not suffered enough to raise fists
Not white enough even when rocking to Metal
Roots not African enough to proclaim ancestry
My DNA is as scattered as my thoughts
Ask me who I am
I’ll say one thing and disagree with myself
Neither this nor the other
Not Muslim enough to Habibi
Not Christian enough to feel the Holy Spirit
Not Taino enough to darken my skin
Not animal enough to kill
Not human enough to care
Not covered enough in tattoos
Not paid enough to afford my bills
Not educated enough to be allowed formulated opinions
You leave me boxed in
Cornered as a hunted beast
Who every now and then reacts
Attacks
And blamed for doing so
Don’t even want to step outside
Not worthy enough to walk
Shouldn’t even write
Not accepted enough to be cool with the click
I stand just on the cusp
Peaking my head in ever so often
Shouldn’t be alive
Not worthy of breath
Someone else needs it more
Don’t want to see anymore
Vision I’d give to the blind immediately
I could say I’ve lost my way
If there was ever one to be lost
So I’ll remain
Until I fade from memory
And be just a whisper to some
I want the clouds to cry for days on end
Where visions of Noah come to mind
And Paul laments my sufferings on Earth
I want Solomon to await conversations on it all
Pausing as Ables blood whispers in my ear
As the watchers guide me towards Cain
So that he can explain death in all its gore
Maybe Adam will change up his animal garments
The ones Eve sewed for him so lovingly
I want to bring forth tablets to inscribe
Along with Moses
Gaze at the golden calf being worshipped
While Jesus ascends
And Lucifer tugs at his robe
I’ll take pictures alongside them all
And pray they make it on social media
As proof that Muhammad is indeed familia
As they meditate with Siddhartha
And dance with Shango
Pay tolls to Eleggua
For safe passage
Where I cast Opuele with Orunmilla
Yes let the heavens cry to disguise the elation
Of true elevation
When I die
copyright ©Axel Garcia
Not going to speak of motivation
Or being in tuned with spirit
Won’t assert my own personal beliefs
Because I may feel owner of truth
Will not cleverly decipher my childhood
And adult years
And spew it on some rhetorical rant
Of now knowing better
That I’ve somehow figured it out
Or that divinely inspired
I’ve spoken out words of awakening
No I dare not partake
Of such false imagery
Only to capture the attention of you
I’d rather digest my failures
Into essays
Formulated from my tears
Spouting into capsules of reality
That yes I have wronged a multitude
Of past lovers and friends
Have used them as a means to an end
Where human and sub human exist
Lest not forget
Cursed as I am
I bleed from self inflicted penance
Yet you’ll never attest to this
Viciously astute I do hide well
Behind an erected stature
With no chip left on shoulder
I seek repentance
From thee
From myself
And What I’ve yet to do to you
From the errors of my way
Axel Garcia 